“What’s going to happen when he finds out you’re not his real Mum?”
An innocent question that once was a spade to my heart. My initial feeling when a seemingly well meaning family friend put two and two together at a family function, where my little boy had just ‘arrived during COVID’. My first thought was to look around and say “Well last time I looked, I didn’t really have any plastic features, I promise me and him do exist in front of you now”.
That was the early days and I am not naive enough to think that new people who learn a little bit of his story may just need some educating. This sits well alongside the tantrums or running off in Asda or in town when old ladies mutter “he needs to behave” or “just give him a good old clip”.
adopting as a single adopter during COVID
AJ’s story is his story, he is a 5 year little boy who loves dressing himself with his own choices. (Nike Dunks and blazers are a fav at the minute).
He now thinks Cocomelon and Bing, that were once his favourite are boring and for babies, but loves the Hulk, and wants a green van and a car when he’s older as “that’s just my favourite colour”.
He is the fastest runner in his class, and loves everything about football, cars, and “fixing things” … I will let you into a little secret, more ends up broken trying to fix things, than mended!
He has the best manners and is the best joke teller I know (apparently a horse’s favourite sport is Stable Tennis).
There are no grudges in AJ’s world. Every day is a new one. And whilst we could have had the best day, the day before a worse one can be around the corner, but just as important, so could be another best day.
thriving in a stable loving home
He is also the little boy who has to manage the uncertainty around some of his background and future development due to the circumstances around how he came into the world.
The more than average trips to different hospitals, the letterbox contact he is a little too young to understand yet, the identity questions that always seem to come in the supermarket queue, or just before bed. And the almost constant advocation of what is right for him, rather than what is simple for everyone else in his life, whether this be education, medical, home or soft play, in addition to preparing him for a world that isn’t fair and sometimes we just have to be understanding.
We have to make sure that his skin doesn’t become as dry as it can do because of his consistency, we have the debate and a special area for AJ’s hair care, as his Afro curls need a different treatment to my Caucasian hair. We make a trip to our local African nations shop, to buy one thing we could buy from the internet, because we learn much more every time we go in there.
brothers bonding
As an initial single adopter, my little boy came home during the middle of lock down, the world was a strange place, no baby groups, no travelling between counties and for a fair few months only hope, in the uncertainty of the world at that time, that our initial introductions of an activity day and Facetime would actually become a reality.
Preparing for his arrival started just before lock down, the clothes, the material and practical side of things.
The day Boris said we must stay indoors some of the panic set in, with his severe allergies how would we end up getting the right oat milk? The trip to Asda to queue, and yes I was that woman who bulk bought – oat milk and pasta just in case!
Small things like swapping my washing powder for the same scent he was used to were some hacks I picked up on the way, making sure that some meals (spag bol) were cooked the same way, in our case this was only using the tomato cooking sauce, or the same cream and bubble bath. I wouldn’t say those first few weeks were easy, but I think little things like that just helped.
His story is really important to promote a sense of positive identity
Whilst age appropriate, AJ’s history is not a secret in our house. His story now and as he grows older is something that is just that, His story, and I want him to feel comfortable if he wants to share this he can.
AJ’s life story often comes out (we do keep it safe as its paper and file binder format isn’t the best for whirlwind hands!). We still keep in contact with his foster carers, and engage where we can with Yorkshire Adoption Agency’s events, so he can relate to other people who share some similarities and paths. We will always keep our promise of writing to his birth Mother, and whilst she may never feel able to write back its our way of making sure that this door is never closed for him, or one day some of the extensive gaps we have in relation to his story may end up with some answers for him.
Fast forward four years and we are now a house of 4 (5 including Arcainine the dog, named after his favourite Pokemon character). We have a birth child, and whilst we acknowledge there is a long road ahead, our AJ is the bestest big brother in the entire world, teaching him all his tricks (bad and good). We all continue to live as our version of a family, because that’s exactly what we are.
Happy thriving family.
Would I change any of our journey for a different path, though … absolutely not. My peach skin and AJ’s brown skin is celebrated just as much as the fact that I love tomatoes and I think it would cause civil war if they found their way to his plate.
It’s a fact that children from global majorities wait much longer for placements and this was always a part of my thinking during the adoption process. We live in a greatly diverse area, and with appropriate research will always promote AJ’s dual heritage routes with the information we have. The same way in which we promote his birth town making sure he has that football kit as well as our local one!
Love Kirsty
Learn more about the children who wait longer for placements here